Can you really be yourself around your spouse?
Question of the day here . . . .
My answer comes in sections I guess.
Physically, No, No I cannot be myself around my husband. BUT, this is by choice. I set the rules when we got engaged and moved in together. I didn't want to see or hear anything gross. Don't pee with the door open, (or take a shit for that matter). Don't gas in bed - PLEASE!!!!!!!! Please, NO spitting or I will puke on you if you do. Can you refrain from scratching, groping, moving and picking?
These were my rules. I was VERY specific and I am NOT KIDDING!!!!!!!!
He did great for awhile. Today, he abides by NONE of them. Hubbie could care less what I think or feel on this matter. The fact that I am totally digusted by his gross behaviors has no effect on him whatsoever! I do not pick or scratch or gas (burping doesn't bother me) or spit or pee or change tampons in front of him. Is it too much to ask, Really??
So, no I really cannot be myself around my spouse in these regards, but by choice!
I used to dress to the nines all the time. You wouldn't catch me without lipstick or perfect makeup or a stray hair or a chipped nail and God forbid if the toes weren't perfectly painted!
I spent a lot of money on my clothes and appearance. I liked to look nice. I used to only wear mini skirts, every single day. Always.
Then I got engaged and hubbie to be DID.NOT.LIKE the short skirt any longer. They were banned from my closet. Really and I am oh so serious. So, I switched to pants for dear hubbie to be. I DID NOT give up the high heels though. I'm short, I ALWAYS wore heels, everywhere!!
Married, then pregnant, still no skirts, well, some, but longer, still wore high heels though. Frankly I was tettering around nine months pregnant and STILL in my heels! After baby was born, I still wore my lipstick and semi high heels (it's really hard to carry a baby around in heels), got my nails, toes and hair done. BUT, hubbie REALLy REALLy gave me a hard time about these personal issues. REALLY.HARD.TIME!
Upon making the decision to stay home and no longer receive a paycheck and close my bank account and transfer my money into "our" money and getting a credit card on his account. Hubbie started to monitor my personal purchases and make snarky remarks as to the way I dressed and "why did I need to wear lipstick or nice clothes".
So today, in my closet, no nice clothes (seriously, I shop at Target or H&M for myself). No nice makeup. I do my own hair half the time. I still get my nails done, but barely because it is a constant argument. Do I like the way I look, No, no I do not, but I guess this is one battle I choose not to argue on.
Am I myself, Nope. I don't think so.
As to getting naked, I was sort of okay with walking around naked in front of him, it didn't bother me too much. But walking around naked is really not my thing.
Today, 40 years old, with a 40 year old body, after three babies. I'm not so much liking my body. No stretch marks (good genes I guess). Just flabby and fatty and wider and saggy (God forbid) and loads more wrinkles. Oh and I am starting to get age spots already (this is just ridiculous to me).
Additionally, my husband DID NOT like my pregnant body. In fact, he was down right disgusted by it. Sad, but true. Yes, this hurt my feelings first pregnancy, but after that I didn't really care.
During first baby's childbirth, husband had strict orders to not move from my head. No viewing the nether region. I was totally GROSSED out & horrified by the thought of childbirth. After 4 hours of pushing and NO baby, my husband did in fact have many views of the nether region, as did two shifts of nurses! (argh) I hoped beyond all hopes that he would keep his comments to himself. But, being a man, they must speak their minds freely and he told me exactly what he thought of the entire birthing process and the fact that I was unable to pop a baby out. My only reply was "do not ever say anything to me about this ever again or I will divorce you".
So, my naked body to my husband at this point is not so appealing to him. I don't know why, I weigh only 10 or 12 pounds more than when we met. (he on the other hand is 40 pounds heavier) So I do not think that I can really be myself around the spouse.
Now, early in our relationship I told my hubbie everything. I think I have said before that whatever is on my mind, unfortunately pops out of my mouth as well. He is a man of VERY.FEW.WORDS! I am not chatty, but if I have something to says, I'm saying it. No seive, just the open funnel of words coming out.
I'm very passionate about things that I believe in. I'm extremely loyal and if you cross me, I will dice you to pieces. He has found this out on numerous occasions. He argues competively, not rationally. It's all about winning with him, and he MUST win.
I have learned over the years to just not say anything. If hubbie doesn't like my answer to something, he will ask me in every which way possible for days and days and weeks and weeks until I can't take it any longer and just give in to him. So I must be careful what I tell him now, because he won't let something be EVER.
This is all coupled with the fact that he is judgmental and critical and controlling and jealous and insecure. (this he gets from his mother, who is worse than he) I cannot use the phone around him, read or answer email or be on the computer if he is home. If I even sit down at the computer, he is standing behind me within 2 minutes to see what I am doing.
His attitude towards me is stifling ME.
So, once again, No, I cannot be myself around my spouse.
So, pals, can you really be yourself around your spouse?