When the day is finally over and my little one is finally asleep in my lap and I can unwind. Sort of. It's hard to fully unwind with a five year old sleeping on your lap.
I unwind into the wee hours of the morning, long past the time when I myself should be in bed. When my daughter wakes up bright and early in the morning, tapping on my eyelids, all I can do is groan and go make some strong coffee.
But, I do it again the next day and the next after that and again the day after that.
Eventually, I stumble, falter and fall. I swear to go to bed earlier. And I do for a few days, but never longer. But always, my vicious cycle of staying up until 2 am starts all over again.
There is a reason for my need to stay up late every single night, right?
I spend all day in a perpetual motion of breakfast and laundry and folding clothes and spelling and math and science and history and bible and art and lunch and dusting and sweeping and dirty dishes and violin and guitar and ballet and gymnastics and vacuums and mops and scrubbing and toilets and dinner and baths and books. I never take a break. I have trouble taking a break, so I delay my bedtime so I don't have to think about the next day of getting up and doing the exact same thing I have just done all day long.
I try to soak up every second of down time because I may never get any again. I stay up a little bit later each day because tomorrow I may not have any time to myself. I give and give of myself until I am utterly and completely empty.
I don't like the monotony of my life.
I'm not sure of my purpose any longer. There, I said it out loud.
The world tells me I should have a purpose. That's why I went to college, right? I had a fabulous career that satisfied me and I could use all my wonderful brain talents. But being a stay at home mom leaves me drained at times. I have creative outlets, but I have no time to fulfill them.
I think I am unfulfilled, but I'm not sure. I do feel monotonous for sure. I definitely feel drained. Is there more to this life for me?
But I can say in all honesty I am not looking forward to the fact that someday soon my children won't need me any longer. What am I going to do then? Without the monotony?
I don't like being a homemaker. Really, what is that term? I despise it. Can someone please come up with something different? I call myself a CEO for sure. Who would have ever thought I'd be a CEO someday, only it's for a household, not so glamorous.
But I love being a mom, I love staying home with my kids. This I wouldn't change for all the tea in China.
But, homemaking. I'm really sick of it. I dread every aspect of this role. I would just like to come home and wave a magical wand and everything, and I mean everything, is where it should be. The endless monotonous tasks that need to be done in my home are slowly sucking the life out of me.
I'm dragging myself down I think.