I'm exhausted! I can't take it anymore!

I'm tired . . . I'm absolutely exhausted and I don't know why. Well, I do know why, but I can't do anything about it, sort of. My bad sleeping habits started many years ago when I married my husband. He snores like a bear and weighs twice as much as me. In a bed, these qualities of my husbands do not mesh with my qualities . . . that being a light sleeper and tiny. I am constantly flipped out of a comfortable position time and time again or simply roused awake by the bear snoring or I just can not fall asleep because my husband is snoring so loudly. It has become a huge issue  . . . for me.

When we had babies, my light sleeper-ness fractured and doubled . . . and tripled and quadrupled . . . I have a baby radar that is crazy off the charts. I obsess about my children when they are sleeping. I literally wake up for no reason except to check on them, cover them up, make sure they have water, tuck their favorite stuffed animal under their chins, give them a kiss and a snuggle. Honestly, I think I disturb my sleeping children more than I 'check' on them. It is a sickness I swear!

I started this really bad habit a number of years ago where I will stay up as late as possible in order to exhaust myself to the point of no return. I do this in order to avoid laying in bed for hours listening to my husband snore . . . . which prevents me from falling asleep. I think in my mind if I stay up until 2AM that I will be exhausted that I will simply fall asleep as soon as I lay down and not be disturbed by his snoring.

Note to self: Staying up until 2AM for years is hazardous to your health!

Another reason I stay up late is to watch the television shows that I am not allowed to watch while my husband is awake or blog (which I am also not allowed to do if he is home). Yes, I did say "allow". I happen to enjoy certain television shows that my husband does not. He absolutely refuses to watch anything he doesn't like. Therefore, I don't get to watch shows I like until he is asleep. I've been doing this for years and frankly it is getting annoying. I DVR all my lovely shows and try to stuff all my tv viewing into a couple of hours well after normal hours when I should be sleeping!

We have six televisions in our house and I would love to be able to go into another room to watch what I enjoy and my husband can stay in our family room and enjoy what he likes to watch. The problem is that he gets very huffy if I don't sit with him and watch what he likes. I would love to log on to my blog or twitter and tweet and blog and interact on line while sitting with him, but he once again, gets very huffy. If I do decide that I simply have to write a post or tweet something or I just can't stand what he is watching and log on . . . you guessed it . . . huffy puffy hubbie! Most times I can deal with his tantrums on this issue and respect his wishes, but I do think they are a bit absurd.

This has been going on for years . . . adding to my not sleeping issue. I stay up late to avoid his snoring . . . I stay up late to watch tv shows I like because he won't let me watch them when he is awake . . . I stay up late to blog or tweet because he detests me doing it when he is home . . .

. . . . and I'm exhausted! I can't take it anymore!

Last week I was sick with a cold and this coupled with my many eye issues (I have Herpetic Stromal Keratitis in my eyeball plus Epiphoris (constant tearing) and a couple of other issues with my eyeballs. It is so annoying and painful and frustrating all wrapped together)  just put me on the edge. I didn't want to stay up until midnight just to watch Vampire Diaries. So I didn't. I had a door slammed on me.

{deep heavy sigh} . . . so . . . Do I continue on this path of not sleeping for the rest of my life to make my life less stressful (which by the way doesn't really make it less stressful because it adds different stress in another area) and continue to make my husband's life all rosy OR do I rebel and say what the hell I'm doing what I want . . . which seems so entirely selfish and something I don't do on any sort of basis or regular day.

But, I'm still exhausted this morning because I stayed up late last night to watch a television show that I couldn't watch early . . . go figure.

I think I am going to search for a sleep aid medication. When I do finally go to bed, I don't really fall asleep very quickly. I toss and turn, listening to snoring, worrying about 'stuff' and not really relaxing, even though I am completely exhausted. My solution is to buy zopiclone online.

It's Friday already?!

Really how is it Friday already (well just barely, it's midnight here and I should totally be in bed because I have to teach at the homeschool co-op tomorrow/today . . . but I am not because I just don't sleep anymore . . . like ever and it's quite aggravating to just lie in bed . . . awake . . . listening to my husband snore like a bear and think about all the things that I could be doing or should be doing or need to do . . . but you know it's like 3 AM in the morning and I really should be sleeping and when you don't get enough sleep your mind can't focus and you don't make any sense . . . like about right now, right??) anyway . . . I don't know where this week went and soon, guess what, soon . . . the children will be on summer break . . . that is how close it is to summer!

Can I get a woot woot!

Anyone else awake with me?

 

I Think . . . Probably . . . Perhaps . . .

It's late right now, very late in fact and I should be in bed. Actually I was in bed, but my husband's snoring kept me from falling asleep (once again). Normally I can eventually fall asleep through his snoring with my sound (sleep) machine turned very loud, but this evening (well, at this point it is AM) my thoughts are keeping me awake. I think if I put my mind ramblings down on paper I may be able to work through some anxieties I have been having.

Early this past week I had some tests run. Further testing recommended from the week's prior tests results that were cause for concern. I had a routine mammogram last week. My first one in fact. I was expecting nothing actually. Normal results were my expectations. I had no reason for concern because I have been breast feeding for the better part of the past 8 years. My OB told me this was good for me!

I went in thinking that it would be painful as I had heard so many women complain that it was just that. I was pleasantly surprised that while it was uncomfortable, it was not painful in the least. Perhaps that is because my breasts are a no size cup! I was told to expect my result in 3-5 days.

I return home the next day after picking up my children from school and there was a message on my machine to call my doctor back. I knew this was not good. I called back to the answering service, not expecting a return phone call for many more hours. And quite literally within five minutes my phone was ringing. It was my doctor and she wanted me to return for further testing as my mammogram showed masses on my right breast. My doctor told me it was called calcification(Calcification are visible as discrete, white spots seen on the mammogram; these represent calcium deposits / calcium salts, and may appear as randomly scattered grains of coarse-ground salt, clustered together as fine grains of salt of various shapes and sizes, as larger grains of gravel, or even as round, distinct white densities over the mammogram film.) and I just need to have further mammograms of that area. I was too stunned to ask any questions.

I called and made another appointment and was told that my doctor also ordered an ultrasound. The first available appointment was five days away. I promised myself that I would not google anything about mammogram or calcification. I did not for two full days. Then. I.Did. Of course, when you click on one link, it leads to another and then yet another. I read and read for two solid hours. May Be . . . Perhaps, early stages . . . By then I had myself convinced that I was going to be diagnosed with the rarest of all breast cancers. I self diagnosed and gave myself five years to live!

For the longest time I have had a general feeling of foreboding about my life. I think perhaps this comes with the death of my father at an early age . . . just 4 years from my present age! Although my brothers have this same instinct. Maybe this is a feeling that all adults feel whose parents have died at a young age?

I don't usually get overly concerned about myself and my health. I am young and healthy. No issues actually. I do not drink or smoke. I don't have issues with my weight or diet. I am pretty active and my general physician told me that I was one of the healthiest women he knows at my age. But, I was concerned over this. This 'diagnosis' of calcification through me for a loop. This I was not expecting.

I have a 3 year old! I can't have breast cancer! I have a 6 year old. I can't have breast cancer! I have an 8 year old. I can't have breast cancer! I worried myself into a frenzy! My husband was pacing miles onto our hardwood floors. I kept asking him if he would be able to take care of our children without me. All I could think of was what would happen to my children!

The night prior to my scheduled appointment I lay in bed that night. Awake, listening to my husband snore away. I lay snuggled with my 3 year old, keeping her close to me, wrapped in my arms. I lay there speaking to God and asking him to provide me with the strength and courage to live my life with whatever the results would be. I asked God to give me grace to accept the results. I didn't pray for negative results and I didn't beg for 'no cancer'. I just simply asked God to give me strength, courage and grace. And I slept for the first time in 5 days.

The next morning I was not riddled with anxiety. I simply took a shower and drove to my appointment. I waited patiently for my name to be called. I went with the technician and she showed me my first mammogram. I was shocked to see the large mass of calcification on my right breast. It. Was.Huge! Actually there were two masses, one large one on the complete underside of my breast and one long narrow one running down the top center of my breast. It was strange to see this scan. My heart started to beat very fast at this point. I did begin to get anxious at this point. I was scared at this point. The scans were over within five minutes. I then had to wait for the radiologist to read the new scans.

My technician can back within 10 minutes and took me back into the exam room. She simply said, 'at this time, the radiologist feels because of your age that the calcification is benign, we will see you back in six months, congratulations on the good news'. I asked her: "that is it?" She said yes, you are free to go.

I didn't know whether to celebrate or dance or cry. The next day my doctor called and left a message on my machine stating "I think they are probably benign . . . and you are welcome to have a second opinion". Probably benign – means that there is a finding that is most likely benign, but should be followed in a shorter period of time to see if the area of concern changes. What? What? What? I think? Probably? What does that mean? I just felt this wasn't the answer I was expecting.

As strange as that sounds. I'm not sure if I built all this up in my head so much that I am disappointed? But telling me probably in my mind is not good? At this point I am not sure if I am being completely neurotic and should just leave it alone based on the recommendation that I have been given. Or if I should be proactive and get a second opinion. I keep thinking what if I take the advice of the radiologist and wait six months. But in six months there are changes and the masses show changes that are cancer and I sat around for six months doing nothing!

Or what if my foreboding is just coming true?