I'm exhausted! I can't take it anymore!

I'm tired . . . I'm absolutely exhausted and I don't know why. Well, I do know why, but I can't do anything about it, sort of. My bad sleeping habits started many years ago when I married my husband. He snores like a bear and weighs twice as much as me. In a bed, these qualities of my husbands do not mesh with my qualities . . . that being a light sleeper and tiny. I am constantly flipped out of a comfortable position time and time again or simply roused awake by the bear snoring or I just can not fall asleep because my husband is snoring so loudly. It has become a huge issue  . . . for me.

When we had babies, my light sleeper-ness fractured and doubled . . . and tripled and quadrupled . . . I have a baby radar that is crazy off the charts. I obsess about my children when they are sleeping. I literally wake up for no reason except to check on them, cover them up, make sure they have water, tuck their favorite stuffed animal under their chins, give them a kiss and a snuggle. Honestly, I think I disturb my sleeping children more than I 'check' on them. It is a sickness I swear!

I started this really bad habit a number of years ago where I will stay up as late as possible in order to exhaust myself to the point of no return. I do this in order to avoid laying in bed for hours listening to my husband snore . . . . which prevents me from falling asleep. I think in my mind if I stay up until 2AM that I will be exhausted that I will simply fall asleep as soon as I lay down and not be disturbed by his snoring.

Note to self: Staying up until 2AM for years is hazardous to your health!

Another reason I stay up late is to watch the television shows that I am not allowed to watch while my husband is awake or blog (which I am also not allowed to do if he is home). Yes, I did say "allow". I happen to enjoy certain television shows that my husband does not. He absolutely refuses to watch anything he doesn't like. Therefore, I don't get to watch shows I like until he is asleep. I've been doing this for years and frankly it is getting annoying. I DVR all my lovely shows and try to stuff all my tv viewing into a couple of hours well after normal hours when I should be sleeping!

We have six televisions in our house and I would love to be able to go into another room to watch what I enjoy and my husband can stay in our family room and enjoy what he likes to watch. The problem is that he gets very huffy if I don't sit with him and watch what he likes. I would love to log on to my blog or twitter and tweet and blog and interact on line while sitting with him, but he once again, gets very huffy. If I do decide that I simply have to write a post or tweet something or I just can't stand what he is watching and log on . . . you guessed it . . . huffy puffy hubbie! Most times I can deal with his tantrums on this issue and respect his wishes, but I do think they are a bit absurd.

This has been going on for years . . . adding to my not sleeping issue. I stay up late to avoid his snoring . . . I stay up late to watch tv shows I like because he won't let me watch them when he is awake . . . I stay up late to blog or tweet because he detests me doing it when he is home . . .

. . . . and I'm exhausted! I can't take it anymore!

Last week I was sick with a cold and this coupled with my many eye issues (I have Herpetic Stromal Keratitis in my eyeball plus Epiphoris (constant tearing) and a couple of other issues with my eyeballs. It is so annoying and painful and frustrating all wrapped together)  just put me on the edge. I didn't want to stay up until midnight just to watch Vampire Diaries. So I didn't. I had a door slammed on me.

{deep heavy sigh} . . . so . . . Do I continue on this path of not sleeping for the rest of my life to make my life less stressful (which by the way doesn't really make it less stressful because it adds different stress in another area) and continue to make my husband's life all rosy OR do I rebel and say what the hell I'm doing what I want . . . which seems so entirely selfish and something I don't do on any sort of basis or regular day.

But, I'm still exhausted this morning because I stayed up late last night to watch a television show that I couldn't watch early . . . go figure.

I think I am going to search for a sleep aid medication. When I do finally go to bed, I don't really fall asleep very quickly. I toss and turn, listening to snoring, worrying about 'stuff' and not really relaxing, even though I am completely exhausted.