I am always left strangely off as we head to this weekend and celebrate Mother's Day. I see stores advertising Mother's Day and restaurants offering perks and television ads promoting all their wonderful wares. I'm off because I don't have a mother to thank for who I am today. I have friends who have guided me in my life and given me bits and pieces that I shall cherish forever. But I don't have a mother, my own mother, to celebrate this highlighted day with.
I'm a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother. Some of these roles are the main roles in my life. I can't say that I am excellent in all these roles, but I certainly try my very best. I'm a motherless daughter, a motherless mother, wading through motherhood without the guidance from the one person I should have been most guided by.
For many years I never wanted children. I was terrified of having a baby and being like my own mother. Benign. Abusive. Mean. The only way to prevent that was not to have children. For a very long time, I assumed I was so damaged that I probably wasn’t meant to be a mother. How could I be a motherless mother?
After years of extreme self-sufficiency: college, work, raising my brothers, more work, I proved to myself (and anyone that crossed my independent path) I could take care of myself. At the same time, I convinced myself that was all that really mattered. Then, I met my husband, and for the first time, I began to have thoughts about having a baby.
Becoming a mother was frightening not only because I was a new mother, but also because I didn’t have my own mother there to guide me, nuture me, support me. I wondered if I could trust my own instincts or if I had any at all. How do I parent my children without the help and advice from my own mother?
I was able to find the inner strength to have a baby and another and another, to mother them and to love them immensely and unconditionally. I adore my children! The role I play in my children's life is a very important one. This role is one I take very seriously. Probably much too seriously because of the manner in which my own mother didn't raise me.
And I think that so few mothers in this world play their roles in the proper way.
Mother…This word associates with something sweet, tender, nice and merciful. Babies are born little and defenseless to this world. At once babies are submerged in our love as we sing songs and cuddle and simply just love on them. My absolute favorite part of motherhood is having a new baby to hold for hours and hours and hours. Even when my arms were aching in horrible pain from Bursitis, I would still just hold my babies and bask in all the glory of being a mother.
this is an old photo, but I was so very happy on this Mother's Day!My role as a mother to my children is simple. I am the one person who will understand and forgive everything. My kisses will heal all the wounds – scrapes and bruises or a broken heart. My look will never be false or cunning, BUT will always radiate love, compassion and sincerity. I will see through my children and read to their souls. My smile will be recognized among all the other smiles in the world.
I am shaping my children, their character and I will influence their outlook on the world. I want my children to imagine what I would do in a situation and never waver in their own decisions. I want my children to come to me for guidance and advice and I want them to know I am more than happy to answer them and help them. I am their most sincere fan.
Unfortunately, not all relationships are like this. I am a shining example. I didn't have a mother who understood the influence she was supposed to have on me. She lost that connection with me a very long time ago. I never want to lose that connection with my own children. I will forever support my children. I will not force them to act the way I want and I will always try to understand them.
I will always be a motherless mother. I will always do everything I possibly can to ensure my children are not. It’s the one thing I instinctively know how to do.