I wrote a post last year about being Comfortable In My Skin, prior to heading to Blogher09 and referenced it in my pre-BlogHer10 post. Every word I wrote about how I feel about me is true . . . it's still true after spending three days with over 2000 women. Some really fabulous women. I do believe I am comfortable in my skin.
(but) What I did discover is I am confident . . . to a degree. I felt comfortable and confident enough to walk up to women I had never met and introduce myself and say "hello" and "Lovely to meet you" . . . but then I struggled with what to do next . . . it was a strange circumstance to be in with this many women milling about. I would turn one corner to say hello and then turn around and say hello again . . . and again . . . and again and still again. But then, I struggled with what to do next.
I was looking for a connection . . . a spark . . . a flicker . . . of something . . . I don't know what it was . . . but I can honestly say that I didn't find it in the capacity that I thought I was going to. Perhaps I was not trying hard enough. I did get a bit exhausted in looking for familiar faces of people to meet. I did get exhausted in introducing myself yet again and again. I did get a bit frustrated in feeling like I didn't have a purpose there.
While I was comfortable in my skin walking around NYC all myself . . . and while I was comfortable in my skin around 2000 women . . . I still have my own personal limitations I struggle with everyday . . . I did not conquer these at this conference. If I had, everyone would have my card in their hand today (if, that is, they didn't toss it in the trash bin).
I'm quiet and I really need to work on this . . . I used to be more fun before I had children. I think my idea of what a mother should be and how I should be is inhibiting me from being just me (if that makes any sense at all). The things I have been thinking about today are this . . .
I learned I do not do well in large crowds(literally I do believe my brain was actually swimming about in my head a couple of times).
I learned I depend too much on my children to make and keep me happy.
I learned my children are completely okay without me watching over their every single step.
I learned not every blogger is as nice as she portrays herself on her blog.
I didn't learn anything (I didn't already know) in the BlogHer sessions (which slightly pissed me off).
I learned I NEED to get out more and stop being so damned reserved.
I learned I can be more fun with a glass of wine down my throat.
I learned I really don't like to wear high heels or dresses anymore, no matter how great they made my white arse legs look.
I learned I need to find my purpose in life again . . . I need something outside of just being a momma to my children and a wife to my husband.
I learned my arms and heart could actually ache from missing my children so much.
I learned most husbands snore and are basically big, lazy pigs who rely on mommies entirely too much.
I learned to make new friends this weekend . . . some of whom I hope to be lasting relationships.
I remembered how much my heart is an urban one . . . I really miss living in the city!