« Adventures in Co-Sleeping . . . My Destiny for a Family Bed »
Monday, November 9 And, I can't imagine my life any other way.
When I was a stay-at-home momma to one baby, everyone (MIL, SIL, brothers, even my own husband was against it) told me that I "could not" sleep with my baby. Let me just state that ferberizing DOES NOT WORK!!! I tired it and my son stayed awake with me following Dr Fever's book and sitting out in the hallway, heart aching, crying pools of tears over my anguished baby. This baby who clearly wanted and needed me! After that day, I told everyone to mind their own business and I would do what is best for MY child and I tossed that book in the trash bin!
In fact, by attempting to feberize my son, I instilled in him a sleep radar that was not like any other radar in the universe! My son slept ON TOP OF me for the first 9 months of his life. L.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y. if his little toosh touched a sheet he was screaming. By 12 months he would sleep with my arm around him. And if my husband touched him, he howled.
Before his 2nd birthday he sort of had to adjust to sleeping only beside me as he had a new baby sister. I was tandem breast feeding and breast feeding on-demand and basically it was convenient for me to have both of the babies near me. And frankly, I was used to it by then and couldn't imagine my children in any other bed but mine. My new baby daughter slept with us, not 100% of the time, but definitely up to age 10-12 months (I can't really recall right now).
I moved her into a crib at around 12 months in her own bedroom and this only lasted a couple of months (we moved out of the county and the transition sucked). She was in our bed and so was our son. Purchasing toddler beds did not remedy the situation. I could sneak the children into the toddler beds after they had fallen asleep, but the second they realized what bed they were in, they were screaming. Amazingly, my son actually never once slept in that toddler bed. He would sit there and absolutely refuse to lay down. I would beg, plead, bargain, bribe, or barter with him and that child never once budged.
Both of the children slept with us until my son was 5 (almost 6). Once my son started Kindergarten we told him he had to sleep in his bed on school nights. My husband slept with him for over 6 months(no joke). By this time I had another baby to contend with and as long as my husband was sleeping with him in his room he was at least sleeping in his room. So in my Cal King bed was myself and my oldest daughter and the newest baby in the bassinet. She did so marvelous in this bassinet and I was so proud of myself that I actually was able to get a baby to sleep in a baby bed that I had (especially since all our bassinets, playpens and crib are basically brand new - never been used). My newest baby decided at 9 months that she wanted in on the King bed action and that was the end of that happy story.
I am all for co-sleeping and actually would tell any of my friends to try it.
My husband or I rarely lost sleep because I was sleeping next to my baby and I utilized the instinctive response to the baby's first whimper, thus preventing the need for the hard crying that is so stressful to the baby and to all other members of the family. I personally think that co-sleeping with my children until they no longer need(ed) it means that I will never need to 'train' them to go to sleep. I also recognize a deeper sense of love and trust often develops between my children (who sleep near each other), lessening sibling rivalry during waking hours. I find that my children have a greater opportunity to build a deep and lasting relationship because they share the nights and the days. For me, co-sleeping is an unquestioned practice in my house.My children, who are cared for during the night as well as the day, receive constant reassurance of love and support, instead of having to cope with feelings of fear, anger, and abandonment night after night. I believe my children feel safe through the night, as well as the day. with me close by, will become adults who cope better with the inevitable stresses life brings. As John Holt put it so eloquently, having feelings of love and safety in early life, far from "spoiling" a child, is like "money in the bank": a fund of trust, self-esteem and inner security which the child can draw on throughout life's challenges.My youngest still sleeps with me (she is 3 years 5 months- I nursed her until she was 32 months). My son still comes in about 40-50% of the time half way through the night (in fact, he has already been down here at the computer telling me he is going to my bed). My daughter (6 years old now) still comes in about 50-75% of the time half way through the night.
I HAVE to say that after almost 8 years of sleeping with kids - I CAN'T sleep unless at least one of my kids are in bed with me! Hilariously, my son told me today on the way home from church that he wished he was an only child so he could still sleep with me every night!
Reader Comments (18)
I love what your son said. Very cute! My kids all co-slept when they were very small, but went into their own beds as toddlers. I think co-sleeping is wonderful and definitely none of anyone else's business! Good for you for throwing that horrible Ferber book in the trash.
I'm a big believer in doing what works for your family. I'm glad you were so happy with your choice.
We didn't co-sleep (at least with our first, number two is on teh way), but my son was never the type of baby who slept while being held.
I always think it's intersting to hear what worked for others.
I think it's cool that you co-sleep and that you said screw those who don't think it's "right" because it's right for you.
Personally, my kids will not be co-sleeping with me unless it's naptime or they are having a nightmare (or get up hours too early). I like my bed to myself. LOL I'd kick my husband out if I could ;) (just kidding)
And i never read the book but I let my kids "cry it out" at the time it seems horrible but it's been the best for us with our older one. I'm ready to start on teh younger one
I agree that it is personal choice BUT I love cosleeping ... even when my oldest had her own bed it was in our sleeping room!
Glad you found something that works for you and your family. It doesn't work in my home, but I have no problem with others co-sleeping with their kids.
I don't agree with all that you said. I don't thing my kids have to "cope with feelings of fear, anger, and abandonment night after night" or that my kids don't have a deep sense of love and trust for each other because they don't sleep in the same bed. They do sleep in the same room- but regardless, I don't believe it effects how much they love each other.
My boys are great, independent sleepers who can sleep through the night without disrupting my sleep.
I agree whole-heartedly you should do what's best for you family. I rocked my first son for every nap & every bedtime. And although, I grumbled about it at the time.. Looking back, I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. And the first month of my daughter's life, she would not sleep unless someone held her. They may not always start in our bed, but they always seem to end up there.
I have five kids and all of them have been in my bed at some point in time. I did get tired of getting kicked all the time so now my rule is that you can sleep wherever you want as long as it is not in my bed! My 8 year old son sleeps with my 17 year old son and my 8 year old daughter sleeps with my 13 year old daughter. My 15 year old son is the only one who sleeps by himself!
I agree that it's a personal preference and who's to question what works for you?
I'm *not* a co-sleeper. I do co-sleep with a newborn (out of convenience and exhaustion and frequent night nursing) but 2 or 3 months later, I'm ready to move baby to a crib, and my babies are definitely ready, too. It seems we BOTH sleep better this way. I spent several loooong months co-sleeping with my youngest, between the ages of 5 and 9 months or so, and it was awful. What started as laziness on my part, turned into a very hard-to-break habit on the part of my 9 month old! My back ached constantly, I was exhausted and she woke up non-stop wanting to use me as a pacifier. It just doesn't work for us, but I know other moms, like you, who've co-slept and they (and the kids sleep) can sleep great!
I have to disagree, too, though, with a few things you said:
"co-sleeping with my children means that I never need to train them to go to sleep" - I think you did train them to go to sleep, you just trained them to go to sleep with YOU.
"Ferberizing does not work" - Not true. It may not have worked for your kids, but worked wonderfully with my oldest two, when they were about a year old (NOT newborns). A night or two of 20 minutes worth of crying was TOTALLY worth being able to tuck them in, kiss goodnight and walk away on a nightly basis, without tears, knowing they'd be able to fall asleep on their own. That being said, any attempts at "Ferberizing" my youngest two were given up after a couple nights of HOURS of crying. Just not worth it to me, when I can get up, nurse and be back to sleep in 5 or 10 minutes.
I think babies and kids (and moms!) have different needs and personalities and what works in some families may not in others. For me, it's an awesome feeling to know that my kids are secure and independant enough that when I tuck them in at night, they have no problem closing their eyes and falling asleep on their own. And I get a few hours of peace and quiet to myself before I can stretch out in my big comfy bed! :)
I didn't co sleep, but my kids crept in from age 3 till pretty recently. They wouldn't even wake me up. I would just wake up and there they were!
Your son is funny! I think it is a personal decision and we all do whatever we can so we can get some sleep.
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Glad you are doing what works for you!!! :)
Everyone should do what works for them and this is clearly working for you!
Princess Nagger co-slept with us when she was an infant - if I have to get up during the night for any reason, I have trouble falling back asleep again. So it was easier for me to have her in bed with us propped on my pregnancy pillow so all she had to do was smack me so I could nurse her and fall back asleep right away. Worked like a charm! I did move her into her own crib when she was weaned (at about 13 months - I would have gone longer, but she decided she was done with the boobs...LOL!!) But when we transitioned her from her crib to a toddler bed, she ended up crawling in with us during the night. I've gotten to the point that if she doesn't do that, I miss the cuddling. We do need to get a bigger bed, though, because she's a bed hog when she does climb in - usually hubby ends up getting up and going to sleep in her room to finish the night after getting kicked one too many times! ;)
Kaden is still in our bed. Mahala was 3ish when she stayed in her bed. Kaden is almost 3. Skylar & Mahala wasn't a problem, but Kaden is ruff & has night terrors. So, we don't get a full night sleep. But, I wouldn't have it any other way!
well, i think you're awesome. end of story :)
It's great that you found something that works for you and your family so well. That is what is most important.
I have never co-slept with my dumplins unless it was for a nap or treat. I was waaaaaay too paranoid my husband would crush the baby or the baby would fall. But that was just me being paranoid. Everyone has to do what works for them and my kiddos always did fine sleeping by themselves.